Tomorrow is the day

Today, at dinner in a restaurant (this child LOVES eating out...), my baby looked at me, straight in the eye, and held my gaze for a good few seconds. Long enough for me to say, 'I love you, Forever and Forever'. This might not seem like a big deal to some, but, for my son and for me, this was a huge moment. I had just been explaining to him that tomorrow, we were going to the office to sign the Official Paper that will make us a Family Forever. Was it a coincidence? Perhaps. Shall I choose to believe that he knew what I was saying? Yes. Yes, I will. 

We passed all our observations, which proved to be unbearable at times. Being watched and being 'on', whilst trying to have a ridiculous conversation with someone who believes my child will not be able to thrive until he has a strong table and chairs at his level, is EXHAUSTING. Hearing the same things over and over again, is EXHAUSTING. Trying to prove that we are doing just fine and that we are meant for each other, is...you get the picture. That, even though there are times when I literally do not know what to do, when I've cried my eyes out because I'm on my own and there isn't anyone to ask 'please just take him for 5 minutes', whilst he SCREAMS, times when I have doubted myself so, SO much...even with all that, we belong to one another now. It is exhausting. But holy moly, is it worth it. 

Every day, we both learn a little bit more about one another. I have failed at Mumming an extraordinary number of times already. Learning that Guilt is the new Fear (you know 'The Fear' that I'm talking about). Most of the day, I feel guilty. My dogs aren't getting enough attention, my baby has just watched two episodes of Peppa Pig while I make dinner, I've just totally lost my temper because I can't cope with the screaming. Guilt hasn't been this prominent in my life since I had the one that comes with being Catholic! It's the new normal. But this is so new and so spectacularly life changing that we were always going to have teething problems. His whole world has just been upended and somehow he's ended up in a house with 2 dogs, 1 cat and a mad Scottish woman who won't stop trying to eat him (but seriously, wait till you see him...). Everything he's ever known has just been chucked out and instead, he gets me whittering in his ear and trying to get him to do stuff and play and whatnot. There are things that are becoming crystal clear, though. Like, when I first met him in October, I said he was very much 'locked in his own little world'. That was still true on the first day that I went to spend the day at the home. But gradually, he's coming out of that little world. He communicates already in his own way. Granted, this has  more often than not been through the medium of tantrum and throwing stuff around. And throwing food he doesn't like on the floor. But still. Communication, people!! The level of interaction he has had until now has definitely contributed to his developmental status, shall we say. This boy is so clever, so curious, so into absolutely everything (STOP TOUCHING MUMMY'S CANDLES!!!!!!) that I have no doubt, absolutely NO doubt, that he will have a huge life. We are going to have a huge life together.