I knew I loved you before I met you...

...but I'm falling more in love every minute. 

I've now spent two whole days with my son in his current home. As we've still to come through more paperwork and checks etc, I'm not going to post these blogs till it's all a done deal, but there's so much to say that I still want to write them!

Yesterday, I had to go to the office to get a letter to sign and pick up my Favourite, then travel back to where my boy lives. If you knew Lima traffic and geography, you'd realise how much of a giant pain this was...especially because then I had to share a taxi with my Favourite for an hour and listen to her babble on at me. Actually, she's been surprisingly (and I really mean surprisingly) positive. I think once she saw us together and realised that I am, in fact, NOT a cold, heartless British woman and actually know my way around children, and actually love the bones of this little boy already...she started feeling pleased with HERself for such a brilliant match. 'It's definitely all you, lady. Couldn't have done it without ya.' 

It's been an intense and bizarre time. There were no less than 3 people standing outside the little room my wee dude was brought to see me in, just staring at us whilst I said hello and generally made a fuss of him. He came running in clutching the toy rabbit I'd bought for him before Christmas and soon after the building blocks I'd brought on my first visit were deposited for us to play with. I think I've mentioned that we are fairly certain he is on the Autistm Spectrum (I'll eat my own arm if he's not) and so it's quite difficult to know how much he understands...well, ASD and being 2 years old! He isn't saying too much, ya know?! They told me they have been playing with the toys I brought and bringing out my photograph and explaining that I'm his Mama over the last month. As I say, hard to know what he gets... but we began playing, whilst being watched like being in a zoo, goldfish bowl, teacher observation or similar. He accepted me immediately and, whilst not really engaging with me hugely, was completely engrossed in all the toys we had. Very swiftly, he was playing with me, sitting on my knee and letting me cuddle him. Mainly, I kept myself together, but there were countless moments over the last two days where I've wanted to just sob my eyes out. 

His whole day and routine was completely messed up and he was with me instead - eating with me, playing with me and going to Wong, because where else?? In spite of this massive change, i.e. not being with the rest of the children and in the normal part of his home, he only had a couple of meltdowns. One absolute doozy when we went to the park and had the audacity to leave. It was quite spectacular. But I handled it like a boss, even if I do say so myself. This whole process is so bizarre...go from nothing to spending 8 hours with my child, taking him ENTIRELY out of his comfort zone on day 1 and expecting me to be the one to comfort him etc...but he was wonderful. It was wonderful. Of course, throughout the day, when there is no eye contact, no verbal communication and little in the way of communicating that he is happy with me, I did think WTAF am I doing?! But those were fleeting thoughts - seconds of doubt. I think it's really important that I recognise and acknowledge them instead of pretending it's all dream like, sparkly land full of magical unicorns spewing glitter everywhere. I chose my son and I feel like he is choosing me back. No one said it would be easy, and it's bloody not going to be, least of all on my arms coz he weighs a chuffing tonne and likes being carried; but man alive is this the best, BEST decision I've ever made. 

I've been waiting a lifetime for the love of my life. Here he is.