I said I'd eat my arm...

...and, as expected, I won't be. Which is quite good really as it would take a while, due to the increased muscle mass accumulated through my recent weight training (read: heaving Emilio about). 

Today, we went to see the paediatric neurologist to start the process of having Emilio assessed. Well, that's what I thought we were doing. In fact, we left after an hour with a diagnosis and a plan. What a beautiful, kind and fantastic human our doctor is. I couldn't be more grateful that we have such a person on our side. He was recommended through the paediatrician we saw, who was recommended by a friend who used to live in Lima. That paediatrician, Doctor Gustavo (at Clinica Delgado for anyone who needs one!), was also kind and lovely and gave up his time for free as he was grateful to me for giving Emilio a home. I tell you, becoming a parent has definitely brought out the beauty in humanity for me. Doctor Luis Miguel (also at Delgado) spent an hour with us, following Emilio around the clinic - apparently he didn't get the memo on being calm and sitting nicely in the doctor's office. After he immediately lost it, Luis Miguel (as he prefers to be known) said 'Let's go outside and walk around, I think that will make him happier'. I nearly kissed him. But I didn't. Coz that would have been inappropriate, perhaps. 

Off we went exploring - Emilio's favourite thing to do (as well as constructing fascinating and elaborate buildings with blocks or Lego). There were mini tantrums along the way, Luis Miguel was observing him the whole time and asked me about his communication skills, verbal and non-verbal, his sleep patterns (HAH!), eating, potty training, tantrums, frequency of tantrums etc. He also allowed me to offload a bit, which was cathartic, I reckon. After a while, he began to explain research into approaches towards autism (my favourite - Geek Maz at the ready!) and offered his advice on which route we should go down. After explaining all of this, I said, 'so you think he is autistic', as I had expected there to be a long, drawn out, complex, bureaurocratic and difficult route towards getting a diagnosis. 

'Yes,' he said simply. Just like that. Just like that, we have our diagnosis and just like that we have a very clear path in front of us. 

Emilio is diagnosed as moderate to low functioning, which was a surprise, however, Luis Miguel was as positive as I am about this. With the intervention we are planning, along with all the love in the world that I'm going to make sure he has, there's no reason whatsoever why he won't have the world at his feet. Sure, we are in for a challenging time and heaven knows it will take it out of us both. But as I said to my mum and dad today; they made me strong as an ox and I'm going to do the same for my boy. I have been crying on and off for the last few hours, and I reckon it's not over...but not because I'm sad. Of all the emotions that are coursing through me, sadness is not one. Delighted that this was so easy. Overwhelmed with even more love for Emilio. Determined as anything that we are going to have a HUGE life. Grateful that we have met such a wonderful man and that we are off down the yellow brick road to find magic and adventures. 

For now, I'm off to cry a bit more and look at my sleeping baby. (ssssshhhh - don't wake him!!!!!)

Mary Poppins? Are you there, M, it's me, Mazza?

I just love him. I love him like I'm on ecstasy all of the time. Whilst talking to Russell Brand and eating vegan food, surrounded by unicorns and pink, fluffy candy floss. John Pilger enters...and then all hell breaks loose. This is the bumpiest rollercoaster I've ever ridden. Which doesn't actually say much, coz I'm not a rollercoaster ride type of girl... The highest high of loving this Tiny Human who just got drop kicked into my house and my life and I into his; and the sheer and utter terror of dealing with his meltdowns, knowing that I am screwing up CONSTANTLY, is a dizzy and exhilarating time! 

As I said, I always knew I'd be capable of loving any child but this kind of love just, like, makes you want to literally burst open, no?! Remember a few years back, there was a 'write 7 facts about yourself' on Facebook (narcisisstic, egocentric nonsense which I clearly bought into)? It showed up recently in my memories and I can't remember them all but one of them was: 'I love my nieces and nephews, furry family and kids at school so much that I think I will eat any child that belongs to me!' Fact. I've tried to eat my baby. I dare you not to. 

We are just doing life now and waiting to get our papers so that we can go and register, get an ID card, birth certificate and passport. Obviously I'm just waiting for the office to tell me that the documents I need are ready in order to start this process and obviously there's a delay and obviously no one has called to say what or when. In the meantime, we are Lego building, train set building, tower building...there's a lot of building that goes on. And lining up. There's lots and lots of lining up. Now we have had a bit of time together, I'm getting to know his moods some of the time and can usually tell when it's all about to go Pete Tong. It's really, really hard going at times - he's big and quite strong and who needs Crossfit, quite frankly! But give this boy a ball, a balloon (GLOBO!) or some bubbles and he's happier than happy can be. I swear his giggle is the best music I've ever seen. 

Soon, we will go to the neurologist and get the evaluation underway...I'm in no doubt that he is on the Spectrum, but we shall see. What has been a wee bit tricky already, and I suspect this is just the beginning, is that I've had to deal with people saying 'noooo, I don't think so...he's made some eye contact.' Yes. Yes, he has made some eye contact, however, he made NO eye contact the first day I spent 8 hours with him. And also, this does not a diagnosis make. And also, who cares?! It seems that some people still view having a different neurological make up as a problem or a negative thing. Their response is to try and play it down because that's better. But I chose my baby from a list, where it clearly stated he had these characteristics. I couldn't care less. Yes, our lives are going to be more challenging than others...but hello?? Do you really think I've just spent 2 years going through this, having waited 2 years prior to that so I could apply here, without having thought through what I wanted or was capable of? And also, hello? Have I ever once, ONCE, chosen an easy route? I can hear my Bestest laughing from all the way across the ocean. 

Fact is, Emilio Austin is perfect. It's sheer and utter hell when I can't stop him screaming. But it's literally the best thing in the whole universe when he puts his arms out for a cuddle or giggles when I tickle him or runs round chasing bubbles like there is no greater joy than to be doing just that. I remember when I started this blog, it was just pure catharsis: I needed some way to pour out what I was going through. Then it became like a mission - could more single women go through this, here in Peru? They told me no other single, foreign woman had ever adopted in Peru (through the national system, as opposed to the international route). I remember feeling defeated. I remember thinking that I had no idea what I was going to do. I remember thinking 'this has to happen for me'. I remember Jodie saying, 'Well, this is something they've said no one in your position has done before...sounds right up your street!'. I remember finding the strength to carry on fighting to get my baby. And now look at our beautiful family. If you're reading, do it. They can't say no to you now that they said yes to the crazy Scottish lady! 

Tomorrow is the day

Today, at dinner in a restaurant (this child LOVES eating out...), my baby looked at me, straight in the eye, and held my gaze for a good few seconds. Long enough for me to say, 'I love you, Forever and Forever'. This might not seem like a big deal to some, but, for my son and for me, this was a huge moment. I had just been explaining to him that tomorrow, we were going to the office to sign the Official Paper that will make us a Family Forever. Was it a coincidence? Perhaps. Shall I choose to believe that he knew what I was saying? Yes. Yes, I will. 

We passed all our observations, which proved to be unbearable at times. Being watched and being 'on', whilst trying to have a ridiculous conversation with someone who believes my child will not be able to thrive until he has a strong table and chairs at his level, is EXHAUSTING. Hearing the same things over and over again, is EXHAUSTING. Trying to prove that we are doing just fine and that we are meant for each other, is...you get the picture. That, even though there are times when I literally do not know what to do, when I've cried my eyes out because I'm on my own and there isn't anyone to ask 'please just take him for 5 minutes', whilst he SCREAMS, times when I have doubted myself so, SO much...even with all that, we belong to one another now. It is exhausting. But holy moly, is it worth it. 

Every day, we both learn a little bit more about one another. I have failed at Mumming an extraordinary number of times already. Learning that Guilt is the new Fear (you know 'The Fear' that I'm talking about). Most of the day, I feel guilty. My dogs aren't getting enough attention, my baby has just watched two episodes of Peppa Pig while I make dinner, I've just totally lost my temper because I can't cope with the screaming. Guilt hasn't been this prominent in my life since I had the one that comes with being Catholic! It's the new normal. But this is so new and so spectacularly life changing that we were always going to have teething problems. His whole world has just been upended and somehow he's ended up in a house with 2 dogs, 1 cat and a mad Scottish woman who won't stop trying to eat him (but seriously, wait till you see him...). Everything he's ever known has just been chucked out and instead, he gets me whittering in his ear and trying to get him to do stuff and play and whatnot. There are things that are becoming crystal clear, though. Like, when I first met him in October, I said he was very much 'locked in his own little world'. That was still true on the first day that I went to spend the day at the home. But gradually, he's coming out of that little world. He communicates already in his own way. Granted, this has  more often than not been through the medium of tantrum and throwing stuff around. And throwing food he doesn't like on the floor. But still. Communication, people!! The level of interaction he has had until now has definitely contributed to his developmental status, shall we say. This boy is so clever, so curious, so into absolutely everything (STOP TOUCHING MUMMY'S CANDLES!!!!!!) that I have no doubt, absolutely NO doubt, that he will have a huge life. We are going to have a huge life together.  

Trial and error and error again

He's been home a wee while now. We've had 2 visits from the Favourite already and another one tomorrow. Actually terrifying that they could say this isn't working and take him away. Terrifying. I suppose it sounds all cliche and stuff but in some ways, it's like he's always been here - like, this is just normal and how it's always been. In other ways, it's like 'whhhhaaaattt??? I have a 2 year old????'. 

We have just come out of (I'm hesitant to say) a really horrific few days. I thought I'd seen and heard the worst that it could get...turns out no. His banshee-esque, blood curdling, 'save me, I'm being burned alive' screams are more than I felt I could handle. It's been very, very difficult. However, it was hell and I was demented and he was distraught but we have come out of it, both still alive and both still happy. So that's a win. You know you think when you've been around children your whole life, when the centre of your working life is children and when you know you've got the capacity to love any child so you think you might be a bit prepared for this? Well, that is true. And you know that you're also not going to be prepared at all? That is true, too. He has kind of just slotted in and we have both kind of just adapted quite quickly, in my humble opinion, to 'this is how we life, now'. There have been many, many moments where I've been stressed out of my brain and where he's being going proper radge (hysterical, for non-Scottish people); but there have been SO many more moments where it's just been happy, content, laughing and joking, dancing and In the Freakin' Night Gardening (although, I'm a HUGE fan of Mr Tumble now!). My friend came round with her children in the first week and she said I was just exactly like how First Time Mums are - overwhelmed, stressed, full of love and blind panic. It's true! 

We have had our third visit now and she's coming back another two times. Ugh. Am I tired, did you ask, Favourite? Yes. Yes, I am. I am tired of your nonsensical babbling, of trying to understand what the chuff your point is in your flowery, too many words, not actually saying anything, speech. I am tired. But not because of this wondrous creature you've entrusted to me. Yes, our sleep is a bit unsettled, but that is manageable. Yes, the EPIC meltdowns did have me sobbing my heart out for 30 minutes, thinking there is absolutely no way I can do this alone. And sure, it's getting somewhat old having most meals I cook thrown on the floor. But waking up every morning, knowing I am his mummy and he is my son and we are going to be together forever? Tickling his tummy till he's laughing so hard he can hardly breathe (obviously he can breathe, fear not!)? Well, that's just all my dreams come true right there. He is a total mystery to me right now, and I'm sure I am to him. But we are learning every single day. And just when I think my heart will explode, I love him a little bit more. We have got this, Favourite. Oh yes, we bloody do! 

And he's home

This week has passed in a blur. However, right at this moment, my baby boy is sleeping in his own bed, in his own pyjamas and will be waking up to his own Mama tomorrow again. Having spent almost 4 days at his home, we got to come to our home yesterday evening. The days have been up and down and very back to front for him especially, which has sometimes resulted in the most beautiful laugh and smile I've ever seen and sometimes in the most dreadful, screaming, meltdown tantrums I've ever seen! For the most part, we are getting on fine, especially given the nutsness of HOW we had to come home.

Yesterday, I went to spend the morning (or so I thought) at the home before bringing my Tiny Human back to his forever home. The day was different already as their place was being fumigated so the children were invited to spend the day at a neighbour's ENORMOUS house, complete with paddling pool. He's a water baby. :) Whilst this was great fun, any kind of change like that can be a bit much for little people with a regular upbringing...therefore there were a few screaming fits throughout the day. So, instead of leaving after lunch around 1, we had to wait until my Favourite arrived from all the way across the city (she was late), sign some papers, take some photos, change (he lost his absolute mind), then try to bundle into a taxi and get all the way back across the city to go to the office to sign another bit of paper. Only then were we allowed to go home. We didn't get to leave the albergue till around 4.15pm and they have banged on about keeping his routine the same for the first while. Well, that's all great and I'd love to but his dinner time is at 4.30pm and we are about to be in Lima traffic for at least an hour and then at least another half hour...so what, I just chuck him into bed when we finally get home? Ludicrous. And cue the most ALMIGHTY tantrum trying to get him in the taxi. ALMIGHTY. Way to make this beautiful day the most stressful that it could be. When I was dealing with it all, I was just thinking 'get us the F out of here and let me get my baby home'; retrospectively, I think if I had had someone with me...not even a 'someone', just one of my someones...

Anyway, he fell asleep on my lap in the taxi and handled the office like a pro. We got home and he was just into everything straight away - exploring our house and playing with the dogs and seemed like he was quite happy! So out we went to walk the dogs - first time in his new buggy and he loved it. Back home for dinner, bath (not the prison like kind he's used to) and off to bed. It's the end of Day 2, but really our First Proper Day together and it has had very up ups and some pretty hard downs. He is heaven. Absolute, utter heaven. And he has a scream louder than any I've heard. But like I told him today, we have got this. We are going to get to know each other and figure it out together. I'm his person now and I couldn't be happier. I will always, always be his person. Forever and Forever. 

That said, we have 10 days of checks to go through before it's official. They could still take him away and I'm legally entitled to say it's not working for me. Obviously that's not going to happen but I can't breathe properly until we have the absolute go that I'm his Mama. 

I knew I loved you before I met you...

...but I'm falling more in love every minute. 

I've now spent two whole days with my son in his current home. As we've still to come through more paperwork and checks etc, I'm not going to post these blogs till it's all a done deal, but there's so much to say that I still want to write them!

Yesterday, I had to go to the office to get a letter to sign and pick up my Favourite, then travel back to where my boy lives. If you knew Lima traffic and geography, you'd realise how much of a giant pain this was...especially because then I had to share a taxi with my Favourite for an hour and listen to her babble on at me. Actually, she's been surprisingly (and I really mean surprisingly) positive. I think once she saw us together and realised that I am, in fact, NOT a cold, heartless British woman and actually know my way around children, and actually love the bones of this little boy already...she started feeling pleased with HERself for such a brilliant match. 'It's definitely all you, lady. Couldn't have done it without ya.' 

It's been an intense and bizarre time. There were no less than 3 people standing outside the little room my wee dude was brought to see me in, just staring at us whilst I said hello and generally made a fuss of him. He came running in clutching the toy rabbit I'd bought for him before Christmas and soon after the building blocks I'd brought on my first visit were deposited for us to play with. I think I've mentioned that we are fairly certain he is on the Autistm Spectrum (I'll eat my own arm if he's not) and so it's quite difficult to know how much he understands...well, ASD and being 2 years old! He isn't saying too much, ya know?! They told me they have been playing with the toys I brought and bringing out my photograph and explaining that I'm his Mama over the last month. As I say, hard to know what he gets... but we began playing, whilst being watched like being in a zoo, goldfish bowl, teacher observation or similar. He accepted me immediately and, whilst not really engaging with me hugely, was completely engrossed in all the toys we had. Very swiftly, he was playing with me, sitting on my knee and letting me cuddle him. Mainly, I kept myself together, but there were countless moments over the last two days where I've wanted to just sob my eyes out. 

His whole day and routine was completely messed up and he was with me instead - eating with me, playing with me and going to Wong, because where else?? In spite of this massive change, i.e. not being with the rest of the children and in the normal part of his home, he only had a couple of meltdowns. One absolute doozy when we went to the park and had the audacity to leave. It was quite spectacular. But I handled it like a boss, even if I do say so myself. This whole process is so bizarre...go from nothing to spending 8 hours with my child, taking him ENTIRELY out of his comfort zone on day 1 and expecting me to be the one to comfort him etc...but he was wonderful. It was wonderful. Of course, throughout the day, when there is no eye contact, no verbal communication and little in the way of communicating that he is happy with me, I did think WTAF am I doing?! But those were fleeting thoughts - seconds of doubt. I think it's really important that I recognise and acknowledge them instead of pretending it's all dream like, sparkly land full of magical unicorns spewing glitter everywhere. I chose my son and I feel like he is choosing me back. No one said it would be easy, and it's bloody not going to be, least of all on my arms coz he weighs a chuffing tonne and likes being carried; but man alive is this the best, BEST decision I've ever made. 

I've been waiting a lifetime for the love of my life. Here he is.