Mother's Day

What a weird day. This is our third Mother's Day together and, even though I don't really go for novelty days, a weird day it has been nonetheless. Mother's Day is HUGE in Peru. Like, bigger than Christmas. Well, maybe not, but believe me, it is a Big. Deal. My new dentist asked me the other day what I would be doing to celebrate and I said nothing, it really isn't important to me. He was appalled and said but of course your son will make you a present or something? 

Errrr...no. No, he will not. 

And his dad? 

He doesn't have a dad. 

Oh. Well. We will call you then! Hahaha. 

It's been a while since I've had to explain that I'm a Single, that Emilio doesn't have a dad and that he is autistic and has no earthly idea nor care what a Mother's Day is. When I commented to a friend after this exchange that I hadn't had to say that in such a long time, she rightly pointed out that's because we have met no new people for over a year now. Correct. Lockdown has been good for that... Hah. It's just a thing that is, but it was a thing that made me think something when I was having to say it. I haven't really figured out what the something I was feeling was yet.

Anyway. Sunday lockdown in Lima, meaning we cannot go out of our houses, even for exercise. I think this is the third one since the new, new, new, new rules were introduced. In all honesty, I have absolutely no idea what's going on with COVID and rules here anymore but I do know we aren't allowed out. Yet we do go out to walk the dogs and there are other humans on the streets. Not many, right enough, but other humans there are so who knows what the chuff is going on. We had a nice enough day yesterday. I've gone from being lonely as hell all of the time, and craving human contact, which was my state for most of last year, to not wanting to see anyone, ever, pretty much. It's weird. But that is how it is and we had a nice day yesterday, just us two. So today was a bit of a smack in the face when I found myself just feeling really angry and snapping and unable to manage the dogs being annoying, Emilio being annoying, cars being on the street...just normal stuff. I was fuming. Then obviously tearful. I did not relate it to being about Mother's Day until I came home and had a little think and a little text chat with my friend and sure enough, it may possibly be just that it highlights all the aloneness of this. 

I remember our first Mother's Day together - we had two social engagements which was an absolute First Time Mummy Error. FAR. TOO. MUCH. The Tiny Human did not cope and went into fullblown meltdown and it was hideous. However, we had a nice time before that and I felt really special. I can't remember last year's. And today I've just been really down and pissed off. Again, no one really wrote a book on how to handle special days when you're a solo parent with a special needs child in the middle of a pandemic and aren't allowed out of your house. Niche market, much? I think there is indeed a book in there somewhere... Social media is flooded with messages of love for mummies everywhere in whichever form your mummydom takes which is lovely and should really make a person feel connected but I just don't. Just still feel like I'm sailing this wee ship entirely by myself with absolutely no idea where we are going, or when, or if we will be ok. Not very cheery for a day such as today. 

Something I did do was light a wee candle and send a little wish off to my boy's first mum. I hope that's something we can do together if it's a thing he understands later on in life. Things are not as anyone would want them to be right now but at the end of this sucky day, I tucked up my favourite person in the whole universe and sang him our song and kissed him goodnight. Sending gratitude out into the world to the woman who brought him into it and even more gratitude that I'm the one who hears that little voice repeat 'night night, love you' as he drifts off. 

Happy Mother's Day, women warriors of the world. x