Knowing you know the things but not knowing what to do with the things that you know

                                                

It's oh so quiet, dodododododo, dododododo, it's oh so still...and so peaceful until...BADABADA!

I was listening to Bjork the other day and thinking, first, 'what a great song!' and second, 'this just fits life right now'. Not the falling in love bit, obviously, just the rollercoaster of coronacoaster. 

We are on week 4 of the New Nanny and things are peaceful. Until... Yeah. It's been nothing short of hideous dealing with, witnessing, causing and feeling this amount of pain since we lost our Santa Maria Poppins. I can honestly say some of it is like a breakup. You are SO MAD at that person who has wronged you and, we will get into this later, WRONGED YOUR CHILD, you want to rip their head off. But then life keeps going and you find you miss them. Terribly. So, so terribly. You want to drunk dial. You almost do. Then you realise you've deleted them and blocked their number...oh no, that's actually the real break up story. What you find is that you've been deleted and you've been blocked. You can't call and ask what happened. You can't get answers for your child. You can't take their pain away. You can't explain a thing. So you just ignore it and try as best you can to move forward and adapt to another new thing. 

Heartbreak really hurts. I have friends who just don't experience heartbreak the way I do. I love with my whole entire being; once you got me, I'm yours. But I also hurt with my whole entire being; once you break me, I'm fucked. So, I thought maybe I had a handle on this whole hurt thing. But nothing, no, NOTHING can prepare you for the pain of someone hurting your child. YOU. DID. WHAT????? Hear that Mama Bear roar! What Emilio has been suffering and experiencing over the last, well, all of his life, is trauma. And it's Trauma with a Capital TRAUMA. I forgot I knew this. I forgot I have a frigging Masters in this. I forgot that this is my passion and that my brain works and that I know things and that I knew that was why I'd be a good mummy to a child with abandonment trauma. Because I know the stuff. No, it doesn't make me an expert and know all of the things to do or help me to keep calm when there's an almighty meltdown and I can't cope. But understanding the neuroscience and the behaviours that might come with that, then I've got half a shot at least, I think. Did you know that experiencing trauma in the early stages of life literally, and I mean literally, changes your brain. It is physiologically different from a neurotypically developing brain. Cortisol, my friends. That guy. Google it because it's fascinating AF. So Emilio's brain has a double whammy of being A-Typical. And then another primary caregiver abandoned him so...

He has been having the worst behaviours recently that I've seen since he came home. Sure, the early days were hard, but he was 2. He's 4.5 now. He's big, he's strong, he's intelligent AF and he knows how to play all the games. But what I saw when I brought in yet another adult human to his life (New Nanny) and said 'go play, Mama needs to work', was total and utter terror. Total and utter fear. Total and utter Abandonment Trauma. I'm welling up writing this because it hurt so unbelievably much to know what was happening and to know that I didn't know how to fix it and to know that I was losing my temper because I HAVE TO FRICKIN WORK!!!! To know I studied this and I have tools in my toolbox and books in my bookbox and thoughts in my thinkbox and absolutely no way to access any of these because I am Just. So. Damned. Tired. And too caught up in all the stuff. Turns out that you can study the studies and read the readings and know that you have the knowings, but putting it into practice when your child is screaming bloody murder is just impossible. 

Having someone (New Nanny) in your face constantly asking what to do when your child is having a meltdown doesn't help either, it has to be said. Not her fault. She's brand new. She believed this was his normal, I think. No amount of, 'THIS ISN'T MY BOY!!', 'THIS ISN'T HOW HE IS!' convinced her. And, power to her, she didn't run but instead sat me down and asked me what she could do to understand and help, etc. She promised me she wasn't running. I didn't believe her. Being betrayed by someone you trusted your most precious gift in the world to is WALLS UP, BARBED WIRE, AIN'T NO ONE GETTING IN HERE AGAIN like nobody's business. If you know, you know.

But it IS true. He's NOT like that. Emilio is a happy, curious, bloody minded, determinded, excited 4 year old who doesn't like being told 'no'. I'm sure that's reminiscent of many children. Where he differs is that he can't understand language so well. He doesn't get why he can have ice-cream one day and not the next. He doesn't understand that when I say we are going in the car, it's not happening right at that exact moment (I'm getting better at negociating things like this). But mostly, he doesn't understand why someone he loved, someone who was a HUGE part of his life, just left. Never to be seen again. I correctly identified this as trauma response behaviours, well done me, and had absolutely nothing in the toolbox. I didn't know how to cope and I didn't know how to help. It was a mess and a horrorshow and I regret everything. Having had a bit of validation from a webinar I just did on Trauma and Attachment reminded me that I know what I'm talking about, I know my child and I know what I can do to help. Not fix. Definitely can't fix it. But I can help heal and keep calm. Working on it.

For anyone who might be going through this...here are my top tips: 

1) Social story AS SOON AS you know that person is leaving. In retrospect, as soon as I'd figured out Santa Maria wasn't coming back, I should have done this. Now I'm too scared to as I think too much time has passed. But I'm not sure. So I question myself constantly. It's super fun. 

2) Keep literally every other single thing the same. Breakfast is a smoothie. Make the damn smoothie. Make 5 if that's what he wants. Who cares? 

3) Repeat 'I love you' and display affectionate behaviours as often as they are willing to accept. Especially in moments of crisis. Now is not the time for any kind of Behaviourism crap. This child is in pain. Comfort them. Walk beside them in that pain and show you're not scared of it.

4) Be more 'there' if you can. Colour, draw, build, play in the sand - whatever you can do to talk through what's happening. I think talking through it, even when language isn't there so much, is key.

5) Get those visuals on the go for routines that might have to change and definitely include a treat. I'm trying my best to avoid food treats but bubbles, playing with the ball, even the stupid iPad is working for now. I hate 'carrot and stick' stuff but sometimes you HAVE to just 'carrot and stick' it.

6) Try to stay home as much as possible during this transition. It might help. It might drive you crazy. It's helping Emilio for sure - I have to be here always. He can leave with the nanny but I am not allowed to leave. This is ok for now. 

7) Cry on your friends and know that no one else actually gets it as much as they try. Coz they can't. But they are there anyway, fighting your fight right beside you. And that is worth everything. 

8) Emotion puppets/cards/faces/anything...my child is pre-verbal so it's hard to use these in this situation but I'm trying coz he loves an 'emotion puppet'! 'Emilio is sad. It is ok to be sad.' Then we try to find something to make him 'happy face!'. 

I have a whole load more to say about this subject but I'm going to sign off for now. We are together, we are full of love and we are going to get through this. No one said it would be easy and all that...god DAMN it's worth it. *heart*  

Constantly seeking connection - do reach out if you've any experiences to share!! @maisielou on Insta and @mariannelkelly on Twitter. 

Big love x