A Plethora of Crap

And again with the coronacoaster. Man, this thing just won't stop, will it?? It's just like every time I think I've found my groove and I'm able to, like, maybe actually PLAN something and get some regular exercise going and NOT feel like I'm on the brink of a breakdown EVERY SINGLE SECOND OF EVERY SINGLE DAY...the nanny goes off sick again. I mean, what in the actual anything?! She was off for another 2.5 weeks. That was fun. For exactly no one. Of course my normal human side is compassionate and empathetic and completely sorry for her (nephew is sick with COVID) but my 'Corona'ed On My Own for 12 Weeks and Then Two More Weeks and I JUST CAN'T F'CKING DO THIS ALONE ANYMORE' side thinks a tad differently. What I've realised is that I am not going from functioning at 100% and then working slowly downwards, as I have more and more responsibilities and less and less people to rely on (i.e. no people) and so coping skills or humaning skills gradually diminish. No, no. I'm going from the 'Survival for 12 Weeks' took a massive toll, then the next 2 weeks where I was wrapping up End of Term Stuff (if you know, you know), whilst trying to ensure my child did not die (parenting is out the window in these times; may the odds be ever in your favour) hit even harder. The toll it took is that I don't have 100% anymore. I have a range of 'Almost Human' to 'Hysterically Crying' to 'JUST LEAVE IT WITH ME, I'LL GET IT DONE' to 'The Pits of Despair' to 'I WILL ALSO HELP YOU WITH THAT THING IN MY NO FREE TIME'. Hysteria, in short. There is no way to ever get on top of everything because no one and nothing can be relied upon. 

The Plethora of Crap. 

This is what my friend and one of Emilio's SHS were discussing just yesterday. She, too, finds herself at the bottom of rockbottom, trying to sink through that bottom, purely with the goal of  not having to deal with trying to climb back up...AGAIN. There is no doubt that everyone is having a hard time through this pandemia and I'm not about to start comparative suffering on us because Brené has taught us how wrong that is. The injustices of the world are reigning supreme right now. Make no mistake and know how many of my thoughts and actions are put into tackling THAT.  

But FUCK, doing this with children CONSTANTLY in the background making noise, climbing on your back (sorry, kids, Emilio wants to join in just now...WHAT WAS THAT YOU SAID, I COULDN'T HEAR YOU?????), throwing shit around, asking to go to the toilet and needing their bum wiped while you're in the middle of teaching division, with a child on screen crying because they don't understand said division...I don't think I've ever found anything this hard. I KNOW I can do hard things, Glennon Doyle, I really do but there's no stop button right now. There's no divide between Mum, Teacher and Marianne. None. I am reaching the point where I genuinely don't know how much longer I can do this number of hard things. 

This week has also brought about the delight of finding out we are for sure online till Christmas. An entire academic year taught through a tiny little camera. Hands up if that was your dream when you went into education?? My poor Tiny Humans at the other side of that camera are also losing it; every single lesson is now about trying to entertain as much as is humanly possible when you're running on close to zero, it's about trying to get them to feel how much you care when you can't be there. It's exhausting for all of us. Most people are relieved that the announcement has come. But for this crazy old head? Not so much. How can I possibly continue like this till Christmas? 

The main thing that sent me spiralling down a very steep spirally thing was the 'what now?' ness of it all. Emilio was supposed to have mainstream nursery for a whole year so we would be in a better position to know what kind of support he'd need at school. Then we were moving to Scotland where he'd have 6 more months at nursery and all that time to find out if it's special school or mainstream. Now? Now I have absolutely no idea. I don't know where we are going to move to, I don't know what kind of school he can go to. Moving to Scotland was absolutely the plan and now I'm absolutely against that. But what and where? International schools are notoriously shit at providing SEND support. There are a handful with a great reputation, a few of which are in Asia and I just don't want to be that far from home anymore. Anyway. Rabbit. Hole. So many huge decisions to make and no time to get my head in the game because it feels very much like running on a hamster wheel at the moment. 

Some amazing things though. Emilio connects to his nursery Zoom every day for around 30 minutes and talks to his teachers and participates in his own way. Mind. Blown. He can now kiss me on the lips, complete with 'mwah' sound. He's learned loads of new words in Spanish and English and he can do a 'thumbs up'! Winnie the Pooh is the current favourite TV show on Disney Plus, 'Up' made him cry and we had to switch it off, jumping up and down tantrums when he doesn't get what he wants is an almost daily occurance, he's made friends on the beach and now goes up to everyone shouting 'hola' and getting in their grill...awesome during the time of the coronavirus. He has smashed all of his goals on his individual support plan for school. I couldn't be more proud or more in awe of this incredible boy. 

We will get there. We will get through this because we CAN do hard things. But man alive, could we do with some help getting there right now.