Shit just got real. Again.

All geared up, I was, to write a really exciting post about speech therapy and my boy wonder. And I will. But firstly, here we go a-freaking-gain. COVID comes a-knocking. We have been living an altered, yet semi-normal existence for a while now - seeing a friend for a walk, having lunch in an outside cafe (before new quarantine) and I was really soaking up that human contact. Saturday was a hellish day with Emilio up at 3am and therefore both of us in a hideous mood all day...I could not shake my anger. He could not shake his tiredness (SHOCKINGLY!). So it was all crap until we met up with a friend on a walk and suddenly life felt infinitely manageable again. I felt happy, positive, alive, patient, capable, loving, aware and a whole host of other stuff...but it made me realise that spending so much time alone, not having human interaction with other adults, does not a healthy Maz make. Sunday was also pretty good - having felt a little renewed, I had way more energy to 'do stuff' with E. 

Monday rang in and with it came the dismal, dark, deafening and potentially dangerous bells of COVID-19. Our nanny's family have very sadly contracted the virus and, as a result, she's off home to wait it out. Now. What has upset me the most about this episode is that our nanny, the person I choose to let care for my child and who I trust to do so, thinks that I am an extraordinary person to send her home and tell her I'll sort out the test next week and just to focus on looking after her family. Her husband is vulnerable. Who, tell me, WHO are the people who are NOT compassionate? Who try to blame their 'help'? Who are you? Coz you SUCK. It should NOT be a big deal that I'm taking our health and wellbeing into consideration. It should NOT be weird that I'm thinking I hope her husband doesn't get this thing. It. Should. Not. Be. Weird. To. Care. About. The. People. Around. You. 

Some days later...

Well. That was then and this is now and things have taken a different turn. Unfortunately, due to different understandings and comfort with levels of risk, we are having to say goodbye to nanny and very fortunately have found someone new. What a coronacoastering dip, at breakneck speed, with a stomach lurching, vom inducing terror. I am JUST about to start back at work and we are on our own for the penultimate two weeks of summer vacay. What do we need when life is about to get cray cray again? That's right! A new person in our lives, in our homes and the loss of yet another person who was E's little world. The sheer guilt that comes with rocking it again is debilitating at times. It's also when my soloness feels most real and raw. There's no one to bounce ideas off, no one to share decision making with, no one else in the world who understands what this means and what it might do to my son. I always say I walked into this with my eyes wide open...but again, NO ONE saw a pandemic coming. It's the loneliest time, when I'm desperately shrieking at friends, trying to explain what's happening and asking for advice but knowing that no one knows what's best because not a single person can possibly understand. I've said before I bounce around constantly wondering/worrying - is this the autism bit, is this the trauma bit, is this an abandonment bit, is this the being 4 bit? It is like a pinball machine in my head. And I've yet to find anyone who can really empathise here and understand that. I am so fortunate to have so many people in our lives who listen day in and day out, who advise where they can, who share their experiences and who will just be there for me. I'm also fortunate enough to have found different online groups for adoption, autism, single parenting. But not a single one that encompasses all three. There will definitely be others out there! It's just not an easy group to find. And that makes it even harder because sometimes I just need SOMEONE who gets it exactly as it is.

Anyway. Here we are. And let's see how we go. 

Onto the amazing stuff. Emilio is verbal. Those exact words from our incredible new speech therapist. Have we landed the jackpot here! She totally sees his insane intelligence, understands where he will find it a challenge and will definitely push back when he is pushing for his own way. In short, perfection. I am already seeing absolute leaps in his speech in just a few weeks. We have gone from 'EE-EEEEEEEEE!' (TV) to 'I want Hociyo' (pocoyo), to spontaneously requesting things in that sentence structure to random new vocabulary that I have NO idea where it came from...FOOTPRINT. FOOTPRINT?! Where in the chuff did he learn that? I have tried, so very consciously, not to ever 'hope' that Emilio will use language the way I do. I have really, really tried because I don't ever want to feel disappointed. That is not fair to him. I will love everything he is for all of eternity and I don't want it ever to be mixed with feelings of 'if only'. But hearing from a professional that he can speak and he is likely to be able to speak more, in a way that will make his life infinitely easier? I can't even describe the feeling but I can tell you that tears are pouring down my face as I type this. Of course, for our relationship. Of course, to better understand him. But most important of all, his world will become so much easier. His life will become so much easier. Our world is not geared up for difference, by any stretch. We want everyone to conform to how we see it, how we do life, how we communicate, how we interpret things. I suppose that's part of why I want to speak about this and why I really want to have a podcast - I want to show the whole wide world that adoption is wonderful and challenging and painful and beautiful. That autism is incredible and difficult and inspiring and fascinating and an education. That solo parenting is easier and harder, the most complete I've felt and the most isolated. Life is just an enormous spectrum of stuff. I can't find a better word than stuff. It really is. And, while things are exceptionally difficult for everyone at the moment, in each person's own personal hell, there is utter beauty and joy and love to be found. And I need reminded of that just as much as anyone does. 

My beauty and joy. xxxx