Ghosted in a Pandemic: It's not them; it's you!

Santa Maria Poppins has left the building. Gone off in her carpet bag or flown away with her brolly or been abducted by aliens or something. She's not here is the point. I have absolutely no idea what has happened or how it has happened and cannot make sense of this situation which drives me crazy! I'm not a fan of not understanding things... It's one of the things that sends me loopy. Literally LOOPY. She has been messing us about for the last while, not staying the night and then not showing up and giving all sorts of excuses. Believed them I did, however. Coz clearly I'm a total mug. So this week, she left on Tuesday night, with a total nonsense excuse and promised she'd be back in the morning 'temprano'. Obvio she was not back, temprano or otherwise. I called, I text and got no response - even though I could see she was online. Later in the day, I sent a message asking if she'd be there the next day as I had 22 parent meetings and I'd have to cancel if she wasn't going to come. Nada. Isn't there enough uncertainty right now without throwing in a 'will she turn up or not?' nannygate as well?? Isn't there????? She did not turn up so we struggled through 22 parent meetings with Ipad/TV parenting, every now and then having to tank off to stop Emilio from escaping outside/breaking his neck climbing on the counter/painting with my make up. Fortunately, I am working with another gorgeous teacher because my school have been unbelievably supportive and took some of my teaching time off me on account of the barely surviving the hell of home mumming and home teaching and home schooling without childcare. So she was able to carry on the meetings when I was chasing child around. Still. Actual hell. 

Come Friday, I still hadn't heard anything and I was so pissed off by this stage that I just wrote her a message and told her not to come back. Then she blocked me on What's App. I have actually, ACTUALLY been ghosted by my nanny. I mean, just WHAT?? Not a single one of my friends can figure it out as to what in the chuffing chuffery could have happened other than her having another job. What I can't get to grips with is how I have trusted this woman with the Single Most Important Thing in my life for the last 18 months, thinking that she knew and understood him, that she cared about him, that she knows how important it is for routine and structure and visual schedules etc, to find out that she gives exactly zero fucks. I mean, I made him a days of the week schedule with pictures of her on so he knew when she'd be there and when it would just be me because this guy really, REALLY struggles with transition. Since I made that, not a single week passed with it being true. I just feel so betrayed, so hurt and my heart is breaking for my little boy who has absolutely no idea what is going on and that he's never going to see her again. With no way to really explain this to him and with no way of gauging his understanding, it's just too hard. How can someone do this to a child who already has abandonment trauma? How? The last few weeks have been tough anyway with all of the disruption - evident in the fact that Emilio is back to getting up for the day anywhere from 2.30am onwards. Brutal. Not his fault. Not mine either. But JEEEEEZZZZZ. So here we are. 

Fortunately, because of the fact that I was completely reliant on this woman and when something stopped her from coming, my work was immediately impacted, I had started to look for a Saturday person who could get to know Emilio and then be a backup. Enter new gorgeous girl. She showed up, she wants to work with us and I'm saying nothing else because I don't want to jinx it. Let's see. 1 more work week before a 2 week holiday. Then 8 more weeks till Christmas/summer holiday. Mind blowing. An entire academic year taught through the medium of Zoom and Seesaw and ScreenCastify and Nearpod and Youtube (no, I did not teach Emilio how to write the alphabet) and various other virtual realities. Who knows what in the anything is next; I'm back to surviving each day and being grateful we are all still here (except we are not 😰 RIP Bee) and not completely mentally unhinged just yet. 

Ghosted by my nanny. It really doesn't seem real. I've also been somewhat ghosted in the more traditional sense at the exact same time, hence the 'it's not them; it's you'. It really, actually must be. It sounds so self-pitying but I actually, actually cannot rely on or trust anyone. It's just me and him and the dogs. And so we will carry on. 

Anyway. Onto happier things. My beautiful and caring friends have come to visit us at this here beach this weekend and that's brought laughter, wine, dancing, reminiscing, sunshine, planning, caring, love and fun. This pandemia has changed some of my friendships and cemented a bond that was already there anyway, in the most bizarre of circumstances: how do you feel closer to someone when you haven't been able to see them in months?! But it has and I am so unbelievably grateful for the support of those wonderful, let's face it, WOMEN who have carried me this far and let me offload and cry and bitch and moan and just say 'I can't' knowing that I have to anyway. I love you. Truly, truly. Hashtag what's for dinner. Hashtag drowning in a sea of inadequacy. Hashtag dance like there's NOBODY watching. You know who you are and you are so, so appreciated and adored. 

Keep on keeping on. xxxx

A Plethora of Crap

And again with the coronacoaster. Man, this thing just won't stop, will it?? It's just like every time I think I've found my groove and I'm able to, like, maybe actually PLAN something and get some regular exercise going and NOT feel like I'm on the brink of a breakdown EVERY SINGLE SECOND OF EVERY SINGLE DAY...the nanny goes off sick again. I mean, what in the actual anything?! She was off for another 2.5 weeks. That was fun. For exactly no one. Of course my normal human side is compassionate and empathetic and completely sorry for her (nephew is sick with COVID) but my 'Corona'ed On My Own for 12 Weeks and Then Two More Weeks and I JUST CAN'T F'CKING DO THIS ALONE ANYMORE' side thinks a tad differently. What I've realised is that I am not going from functioning at 100% and then working slowly downwards, as I have more and more responsibilities and less and less people to rely on (i.e. no people) and so coping skills or humaning skills gradually diminish. No, no. I'm going from the 'Survival for 12 Weeks' took a massive toll, then the next 2 weeks where I was wrapping up End of Term Stuff (if you know, you know), whilst trying to ensure my child did not die (parenting is out the window in these times; may the odds be ever in your favour) hit even harder. The toll it took is that I don't have 100% anymore. I have a range of 'Almost Human' to 'Hysterically Crying' to 'JUST LEAVE IT WITH ME, I'LL GET IT DONE' to 'The Pits of Despair' to 'I WILL ALSO HELP YOU WITH THAT THING IN MY NO FREE TIME'. Hysteria, in short. There is no way to ever get on top of everything because no one and nothing can be relied upon. 

The Plethora of Crap. 

This is what my friend and one of Emilio's SHS were discussing just yesterday. She, too, finds herself at the bottom of rockbottom, trying to sink through that bottom, purely with the goal of  not having to deal with trying to climb back up...AGAIN. There is no doubt that everyone is having a hard time through this pandemia and I'm not about to start comparative suffering on us because Brené has taught us how wrong that is. The injustices of the world are reigning supreme right now. Make no mistake and know how many of my thoughts and actions are put into tackling THAT.  

But FUCK, doing this with children CONSTANTLY in the background making noise, climbing on your back (sorry, kids, Emilio wants to join in just now...WHAT WAS THAT YOU SAID, I COULDN'T HEAR YOU?????), throwing shit around, asking to go to the toilet and needing their bum wiped while you're in the middle of teaching division, with a child on screen crying because they don't understand said division...I don't think I've ever found anything this hard. I KNOW I can do hard things, Glennon Doyle, I really do but there's no stop button right now. There's no divide between Mum, Teacher and Marianne. None. I am reaching the point where I genuinely don't know how much longer I can do this number of hard things. 

This week has also brought about the delight of finding out we are for sure online till Christmas. An entire academic year taught through a tiny little camera. Hands up if that was your dream when you went into education?? My poor Tiny Humans at the other side of that camera are also losing it; every single lesson is now about trying to entertain as much as is humanly possible when you're running on close to zero, it's about trying to get them to feel how much you care when you can't be there. It's exhausting for all of us. Most people are relieved that the announcement has come. But for this crazy old head? Not so much. How can I possibly continue like this till Christmas? 

The main thing that sent me spiralling down a very steep spirally thing was the 'what now?' ness of it all. Emilio was supposed to have mainstream nursery for a whole year so we would be in a better position to know what kind of support he'd need at school. Then we were moving to Scotland where he'd have 6 more months at nursery and all that time to find out if it's special school or mainstream. Now? Now I have absolutely no idea. I don't know where we are going to move to, I don't know what kind of school he can go to. Moving to Scotland was absolutely the plan and now I'm absolutely against that. But what and where? International schools are notoriously shit at providing SEND support. There are a handful with a great reputation, a few of which are in Asia and I just don't want to be that far from home anymore. Anyway. Rabbit. Hole. So many huge decisions to make and no time to get my head in the game because it feels very much like running on a hamster wheel at the moment. 

Some amazing things though. Emilio connects to his nursery Zoom every day for around 30 minutes and talks to his teachers and participates in his own way. Mind. Blown. He can now kiss me on the lips, complete with 'mwah' sound. He's learned loads of new words in Spanish and English and he can do a 'thumbs up'! Winnie the Pooh is the current favourite TV show on Disney Plus, 'Up' made him cry and we had to switch it off, jumping up and down tantrums when he doesn't get what he wants is an almost daily occurance, he's made friends on the beach and now goes up to everyone shouting 'hola' and getting in their grill...awesome during the time of the coronavirus. He has smashed all of his goals on his individual support plan for school. I couldn't be more proud or more in awe of this incredible boy. 

We will get there. We will get through this because we CAN do hard things. But man alive, could we do with some help getting there right now.