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'I need you-oo, so stop hiding. Love is a mystery, girl, let's get inside it'.
I mean, Ronan's album is 20 years old, WTAF?! Also, I have always thought those lyrics were 'let's get excited'. Why inside it? Inside what? Coronacoaster got me coronacrazy.
Annnyyywwayyy, we are on Day 4,569,898 of national emergency/not quarantine/whatever coz who even knows what the rules are anymore, and we are doing okish now! Life at the beach is infinitely better than life in Lima due to all the space and freedom we can enjoy. Emilio spends most of the day running around on the beach, collecting stuff, digging, rolling in the sand and generally having the time of his life. His favourite thing to do is roll stuff down the big dirt hills or push himself around on his knees, forehead in sand...takes 'bury your head in the sand' to a whole new, literal level. Well, they do say that autism and the literal sense go hand in hand. Maybe he's just proving a point?
I've seen big changes in my boy over this crazy, crazy time. Sometimes I worry that we will have missed an entire year of speech and occupational therapy, not to mention the all important nursery year and learning about humans and relationships and, you know, the fact there are other people in the world besides your mama. It does worry me. BUT, then I send wee videos of what he's up to to my friend and autism guru in London and she is constantly gobsmacked by his progress. Language is developing in both Spanish and English, with 'oh no!' still the dominant phrase, along with 'this one!' which is accompanied by the cutest squinted up eye and point to whatever it is he happens to fancy at the time. I remember reading autism checklisty stuff when I first started searching for a speech therapist and one of the points was whether your child points things out to you - like, 'oh, look at the flower' or whatever. Because I walked into this head first with eyes wide open, I always think I'm more prepared than parents who have to deal with the diagnosis, and often grief that comes along with that. But I remember reading that point and thinking, 'Emilio will probably never do that' and feeling some of that grief. Well. Fast forward a year and we are walking along the road, hand in hand, when up he points to a wee model aeroplane attached to someone's beach house gate and says, 'plane'. Did my eyes fill up and did I immediately text my dad to tell him that Emilio knows what a plane is? Affirmative. Now it's just a normal thing he does. 'Shell', 'beach', 'car, 'cookie', etc. His speech is very unclear so I'm not sure anyone else would get what he is saying, but I do. And it fills me with the hopiest of hopes that he will one day use language in a more conventional, communicative way. Communicating, he is, though.
Another big massive breakthrough is that I am officially 'Nunny' (coz 'm' is a hard one still). The pain of Emilio choosing Santa Maria Poppins over me, of wanting to play with her, of having MENTAL MELTDOWNS when she left, that pain? That has been replaced with, 'JUST LET MUMMY GO FOR A RUN! PLEASE!!'. HAHAHA. Who knew? I can't remember the last time I was able to pee alone as there is always one member of my family in there, two or four legged. But now we have a 4 year old banging on the door screaming 'NUUUUNNNNYYYYYY' when I try to take a shower. It happened. He loves me. He wants me. He misses me. I know my village will say that has been there for a long time, but I can see it and feel it and it's the most wonderful feeling in the world. Would we have bonded this closely had coronavirus not come crashing in and locked us up together? Who can say. Spending 24/7 together for the last 5 months (and the close to 3 months over Christmas) has definitely cemented us together. Sure, I'm still ready to chuck him in the sea sometimes, or chuck myself in there, but I have a little boy who absolutely knows I'm his mum. Who knows that he is loved, that he has someone who will give him the world if she can and if she can't, she'll fight like hell till she gets it for him.
Now, if he'd just stop thinking it's fecking hilarious to run away from me EVERY 3 SECONDS, we would be pretty much perfect.
Next up: Visit number 3 of 6 post-adoption, via Zoom. I LOVE our Post-Adoption Lady (PAL). She makes me cry every time but in a good way. She is the antithesis to my pre-adoption lady. Remember her and her 'your life must be so terrible, leaving home at 17!' nutsness? And her 'But why don't you want your OWN child? You're still young enough!' Pfffff. Anyway, PAL is delighted we've moved to the beach and absolutely thrilled at Emilio's progress, my commitment/overbearingness about what to do next in terms of school and country and support and all of the things that are driving me absolutely motherfing crazy at the moment...but she is on board. I know that everyone and their granny is all 'well, if you'd told me a year ago, coronavirus blah blah blah'...but honestly. Honestly. If I'd known that my first year with my son was going to look a bit like a walk in the park compared to our second year together, because, well, we are SO together, I'd have done whatever everyone is saying they'd have done if they'd known. Attachment Disorder, Autism, Trauma, Tantrums, Meltdowns, Difficulties Communicating, Freaking Out At Being A Single Parent In A Foreign Country, Trying To Manage With My Village For Support, Going Back To Work And Leaving My Child With Our Nanny: these things I had covered. These things were able to be rationalised and cried about and flipped out about but ultimately handled because they're normal. That I was doing. Being flung into a global pandemic with semi-recently adopted autistic child and all of the things and Absolutely No Access To Any Support Whatsoever, Not Even My Village? No. No, this I did not envisage. But. BUT. We are ok. PAL thinks we are doing great and is supporting my application to get Emilio's citizenship in the UK with the end-goal of getting us there at some stage.
That plan is out the window and up in the sky at the moment. You know how much I am craving home. Well, you who know, know. I want my baby to have our whole Village and to learn how much he is loved by so many people who barely even know him. My wise, wise friends here - this Village that is right here - they tell me that I need to make his life bigger, not keep him to myself. And. They. Are. Right. And we are so lucky to have all the people who love us...but it's going to have to wait. Because Coronacoaster. I miss everyone, the same as everyone in the world does. But this isn't forever. I promised Emilio a huge life and I keep my promises.
Love you all xxxx
