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The last wee while has been tough. Tough, tough, tough. I will happily admit I'm really struggling and unhappily admit I don't know how to fix it. What I won't do is apologise.
Now is the time where people criticise constantly, find fault, ridicule, judge, etc. Perhaps it was always that way, but it seems so 'in yo face' now. Because the Internet. People wonder why I am so 'in yo face' about Emilio and I and how we came to be; they wonder why everything is posted, everything is analysed, everything is right out there for the world to see. Well, I have long stopped giving a shit what anyone thinks about me. What a waste of time and more than 30 years of my life. But I will tell you why I share so much, why I put so much out there of our lives. Because of The Story.
Whether you like it or not, the world is connected by story, people are connected through story. Our lives are one Big. Fat. Story. And my job, I believe wholeheartedly, is to tell ours. Do you know how much judgement I put up with daily? Probably, because you're dealing with it, too. The times when my incredible boy throws a motherblinding Meltdown in public and I (sometimes) calmly stand above him asking him politely and futilely, to stand up and tell him that crying is finished. Crying is not finished. Neither is screaming bloody murder. Or throwing oneself on the ground. Yes, I'm either the epitome of calm or else I snap and go absolutely scripto back at him. Either way, I'm judged. That man in the dog park yesterday? I saw you tut at me. The father of 4 I stopped to let cross the road in front of me (unheard of in Lima!)? I saw you look on with empathy. The rest of you who have no idea about us, who constantly judge us by looking at his brown skin and my white skin ?That I speak English to this clearly Peruvian boy? That I 'allow' that type of behaviour? You. You are why I have to tell our story and tell it loud. The lack of connection and the lack of community our world is moving toward makes for a lonely, lonely existence. A judgmental one. An unhappy one. I want to change that. And I think by being honest and open and telling our beautiful but completely imperfect story might be my way of doing that.
This blog started as a way for me to process what I was going through. Then it became a way to document our story. I also began to hope it inspired more people to adopt. Stories are ageless, timeless, and worth a million, trillion judgemental looks. I'm going to keep shouting about our lives together - the good, the bad, the ugly and the utterly, heartburstingly wonderful. My story used to be sad. It was downright heartbreaking, actually. In the spirit of mental health awareness and full disclosure, there was a time I thought my story would end a lot earlier. I'm thankful it didn't. And now Emilio has changed my story to give me the happy ending I've always, always dreamed of. I'm going to keep telling ours so that one day, I hope, he can read about it. Because just in case. Because maybe my words out loud won't be enough.
Keep telling stories, keep sharing ours. And make NO bloody apologies about it.
xxxx
