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It's a Very Strange Thing to try and get used to, this '2 people' thing. The people you used to be, before Tiny Human. That people loved to party, to go out and about and see everyone and do all the things. That people loved to exercise and was either at Vanna or Cross-Fit or running or walking the dogs, all the while listening to the podcasts and reading the books and cooking the things. At night time. That people had Time and she had Energy.
This new people has neither the Time nor the Energy. This people is creating new PECS cards. She's finding out how in the name of chuff she can get the Tiny Human's ears and eyes tested without causing a Meltdown. She's trying to find the right therapists (coz she found the last one to be crap). She's trying to figure out where she can possibly send her Tiny Human to Nido. Where they will live next? Which things are the priority? Which things are developing on a typical path and which are not? Which are WAAAAAY not? Which are the things we need to focus on first? And when, WHEN will sleep become a thing that is reliable and consistent? Is DHA really THAT big of a deal? Coz trying to get him to swallow Cod Liver Oil is, shockingly, a battle not worth waging, most of the time.
A. Very. Strange. Thing.
There's just so many decisions to make, so much of the time. Someone wrote to me the other day to express their understanding. I cannot tell you just how much I appreciate these types of messages. Yes, I'm super vocal about Single Mumming and about Mumming the Spectrum...and no, I will not shut up. It's so many things. But what it is to me is the Only Way I Know. Much like those hell-hole, battery raised chickens, I do not know any different. Completely unlike them, I am so blissfully happy. Yeah, it's hard; of course it is. I never know what I'm doing and I never know if I'll sleep for 1 or 7 hours or if I'll get a hug when I come home or a super huge tantrum. The one constant is that there is only ever me to deal with whatever it is. Our Santa Maria Poppins takes care of my boy and makes sure no harm comes to him and probably even loves him between 7am and 3.30pm. But that's it. NOTHING else is shared. All of the everything is mine. Am I doing the right thing by him? Is this the right therapy? Have I left it too late to do therapy? Is another dog ridiculous? Is another dog his saving grace? There is only guilt. And questions. And responsibility. And more guilt. And LOVE. All, all, all the LOVE.
What would it be like to have someone to share this? Maybe easier. Maybe.
But then I'd have to share him. And I just don't want to.
We have had a few hard nights recently. Who am I kidding? It's been atrocious since we came home from the holiday. The sleeping has been absolutely shockingly bad and me going back to work is making my beautiful boy hate me during the week. I only realised this recently. At the weekend, he sleeps better (this weekend was an exception). At the weekend, we both wake up (stupidly early) happy, cuddly, ready for our day. We chill out together, we play, we walk the dogs, we might go see some of our Village. We are Us. From Friday at 2.30pm until Monday at 7am. And then it all goes to utter shit. Mondays are hideous - today he started SCREAMING BLOODY MURDER pretty much from the minute I walked through the door. And I'd love to say I keep it together, that all this stuff I'm reading and all these things I know about autism make me this cool, calm, collected Mama Bear who just strokes his head and soothes his woes. Does it fuck. I absolutely LOST IT today. Screamed back in his face. I'd had a horrible day - I'm literally puking from exhaustion. Is that my son's fault? Nope. Does my rational brain kick in during that moment? Nope. So I went nuclear. Then went in the kitchen and cried my stupid eyes out.
Who fixed that? Masha and that stupid big Bear. Dinner. Bath. Stories, cuddles and loads of 'I'm sorry' and 'I love you to Forever and Forever'. Is that going to make this Guilt stop eating me up from the inside out? Unlikely. But I gather that this is fairly normal in the parenting world.
Bottom line. This child surprises me daily. Adds new words daily. Cuddles me with increasing intensity daily. And rejects me with the same intensity. Not daily. Being a single parent and having a full time job which is split between two jobs and not really having a clue what you're doing in either part, is HARD, no doubt. But. This village of mine. This Global Village who send their support, or show it physically, or drop chocolate bars off at my door, or love my boy and love me right in our face or from the other side of the world? That village? Man, you make me feel like we can do anything. Thank you, Village. Tomorrow is another day.
We have had a few hard nights recently. Who am I kidding? It's been atrocious since we came home from the holiday. The sleeping has been absolutely shockingly bad and me going back to work is making my beautiful boy hate me during the week. I only realised this recently. At the weekend, he sleeps better (this weekend was an exception). At the weekend, we both wake up (stupidly early) happy, cuddly, ready for our day. We chill out together, we play, we walk the dogs, we might go see some of our Village. We are Us. From Friday at 2.30pm until Monday at 7am. And then it all goes to utter shit. Mondays are hideous - today he started SCREAMING BLOODY MURDER pretty much from the minute I walked through the door. And I'd love to say I keep it together, that all this stuff I'm reading and all these things I know about autism make me this cool, calm, collected Mama Bear who just strokes his head and soothes his woes. Does it fuck. I absolutely LOST IT today. Screamed back in his face. I'd had a horrible day - I'm literally puking from exhaustion. Is that my son's fault? Nope. Does my rational brain kick in during that moment? Nope. So I went nuclear. Then went in the kitchen and cried my stupid eyes out.
Who fixed that? Masha and that stupid big Bear. Dinner. Bath. Stories, cuddles and loads of 'I'm sorry' and 'I love you to Forever and Forever'. Is that going to make this Guilt stop eating me up from the inside out? Unlikely. But I gather that this is fairly normal in the parenting world.
Bottom line. This child surprises me daily. Adds new words daily. Cuddles me with increasing intensity daily. And rejects me with the same intensity. Not daily. Being a single parent and having a full time job which is split between two jobs and not really having a clue what you're doing in either part, is HARD, no doubt. But. This village of mine. This Global Village who send their support, or show it physically, or drop chocolate bars off at my door, or love my boy and love me right in our face or from the other side of the world? That village? Man, you make me feel like we can do anything. Thank you, Village. Tomorrow is another day.
